A source of joy amidst anxiety

My aim to rediscover rugby league was badly derailed – but with the World Cup starting tomorrow, the Greatest Game can still be a source of joy amidst anxiety.

After the full-time whistle in Wigan’s 16-14 Challenge Cup victory over Huddersfield, I began mentally drafting a blog post about the game.

The Giants had contributed wonderfully to an entertaining cup final, though perhaps some overly cautious decision making towards the end had allowed the Warriors to remain in competition. It was a shame particularly for Jermaine McGillvary, whose undoubted contribution to the sport has resulted in little silverware.

Yet it was hard to begrudge Wigan. Not only had Matt Peet created a side who were superb to watch, his post-match interview showed him to be an absolute gentleman who embodies the spirit of rugby league.

The blog though was never written, as the following day – after less than five hours’ sleep – I had to recognise that I was suffering some sort of slow-motion anxiety attack that had finally stopped me from functioning.

 

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The performance of Kallum Watkins and his partnership with Dom Young in England’s 50-0 World Cup warm-up fixture against Fiji were among the reasons to feel a little more optimistic about the host nation’s chances against Samoa tomorrow.

Yet in 2019, in the midst of poor form for his then club Leeds and the breakdown of his marriage, Watkins went so far as to plan his own suicide.

“What I was going through in my marriage, it was breaking down and I thought there was nothing left for me,” he told SeriousAboutRL.com last year.

Thankfully Kallum’s children reached out and prevented a tragedy. “I looked at myself and looked at the situation and said I’m never going to be in this situation thinking about ending my life again,” he continued.

Rugby league has – or at least, from the outside, seems to have – created an atmosphere where players like Watkins can talk more openly about their struggles in a healthy way.

Sadly, however, not everybody recovers. Just last week the rugby league world was rocked by the death of 31-year-old Adam Walker after his battle with anxiety and depression.

  

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Pinpointing the causes of depression or anxiety is enormously difficult. Mental, physical, environmental and spiritual factors will all play a part. Each individual will have a different experience.

For me the long-term factors included two earlier episodes of depression in 2006 and 2013-14 which – at the risk of sounding melodramatic – could be classed as major depression, at least according to the infamous Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Anxiety and depression, though they present rather differently, are apparently on a neurological level the same illness.

In the medium term there was the separation of my mum and dad in very trying circumstances during the first Covid-19 lockdown, followed by my dad’s hospitalisation and subsequent confinement to a care home, with all the emotional stress and practical difficulties that accompanied it.

And in the short term – that is, in the week leading up to my Sunday morning realisation that I could no longer plough on – there was a vicious circle of poor sleep: I couldn’t sleep because I was anxious, and I was anxious because I couldn’t sleep. These are just a few of the factors involved.

In some ways having anxiety or depression feels a bit ridiculous. My life is remarkably easy, comfortable and fulfilling compared to so many others. But mental ill-health can strike anybody, even those who have experienced little if any trauma – and then the experience of anxiety or depression becomes a trial in of itself.

 

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One of my favourite bits of rugby pageantry is Fiji’s spine-tingling pre-match hymn, Noqu Masu (‘This is My Prayer’), which begins, loosely translated, “This is my prayer / Because I am in need” and has the chorus, “O Jehovah / May You help me”.

As a Christian, the Fijian hymn is especially meaningful because it is a prayer for help from God – Jiova in Fijian, “Jehovah” or “the Lord” in English – in a manner similar to the Psalmist King David: “My eyes are ever towards the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted” (Psalm 25:15-16).

 

It isn’t a battle hymn or a victory cry – certainly not a declaration of health, wealth and prosperity – but rather a demonstration of humble dependence on God.

In the 2013 World Cup the Fijians also instituted a tradition of praying at the end of fixtures, giving thanks to God for a run of impressive form that led them all the way to a semi-final against Australia at Wembley.

But the most striking thing was that after being comprehensively dismantled 64-0 by the Kangaroos, the Fiji squad still huddled at full time to praise the Lord. Christian faith is not just for when things are going smoothly, but also for the dark and difficult days.

 

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Things are a little better now – but I’d hesitate to say that I was well. A couple of bad nights recently when my daughters were sick hit me far harder than they ought to have done. Some days I begin to feel overwhelmed with very little cause; on others everything just feels a bit grey and melancholy.

I haven’t yet been able to put anxiety or depression completely behind me. Sometimes it’s further back and sometimes it’s right at my shoulder threatening to overtake, but it’s never completely out of sight.

And if one wants to treat sport as an anti-depressant, perhaps rugby league – which seems to dwell in perpetual gloom – is the wrong one to choose!

Yet I maintain there is plenty to be positive about in our game. The next five weeks of World Cup action will – like this year’s Challenge Cup final – show the Greatest Game at its greatest. May rugby league – and sport in general – continue to be a source of joy.